Dear Call Family, I am Calling You Out

Ok, I finally have something that I want to blog about. Get ma’ blog on. What you ask is this tantalizing subject? It’s The Call Family! Honestly they are the most annoying people in the world. I feel like they were put on this planet for the express purpose of annoying me.

Call Family History: The Call family live in the delightful Mormon hamlet of Moab, Utah. The parents, Russ and Kim apparently cannot stop doing it because they have TWELVE children. Ok, that’s annoying enough but whatever, live your life just don’t go on a reality show so that I have to hear about it. OH WAIT YOU DID. Not only that but they went on the MTV’s World’s Strictest Parents. For those of you who don’t watch TV circa 3am, this show is about unruly teenagers sent off to live with strict families for a week to change their incorrigible ways. The Calls assert that these rebellious youth can “learn a thing or two about responsibility.”

Why I’m annoyed: Seriously, Russ and Kim, seriously? You think that you are the model of responsibility? YOU HAVE 12 CHILDREN. THE WORLD IS INCREDIBLY OVERPOPULATED AND YOU DECIDE TO TAKE IT UPON YOURSELVES TO HAVE 12 CHILDREN. Really, you are incredibly hypocritical. Additionally, Russ and Kim find it difficult to financially support a house of 12 children (OBVIOUSLY) so they decide that instead of having a normal amount of children that they will instead opt to have a dozen and make their kids wake up at 4am in order to clean bathrooms at local office parks. Is this even legal?

Why I am literally freaking out: The show ends with Russ quipping, "That I've been able to play a small part in impacting the lives of Mark and Ariel [the two unruly teens], makes me feel as though I've been part of a miracle." No Russ, you are an idiot. Honestly, the only thing that you did was MAYBE inspire Mark and Ariel to use birth control, something that you obviously know nothing about. Let’s hope you learn something about it, though. Or that Kim is too old to get pregnant again because a baker’s dozen worth of Calls running around this world would really make me snap. Like, actually, lose my mind.

Calling the Calls: Also I found the Calls phone number: (435) 259-8465. So if you want to talk to them that’s the number. I wouldn’t call on Tuesdays because that’s when I call and they are usually in a pretty bad mood when we hang up. I try to order them a pizza every few weeks though so they don’t hate me.

*Not all of the Call children are pictured/were on the show because the older ones are out crusading against Gay Marriage.

FOLLEB

So, this morning as I was getting dressed for work I realized that it takes me an absurdly long time to pick out what I'm going to wear each day for my super exclusive internship at divorce court. Usually I do not have this problem. Getting dressed for school takes me about one third of the time. I realized today that this is because I suffer from intense FOLLEB. That's right, I have an extreme Fear Of Looking Like Erin Brockovich. On average I change about 3 outfits each morning that I feel make me look like Erin Brockovich. I always feel like my oxfords are too skanky and my skirts are too short and that I'm just inviting the comparison. As I result I often show up to work in things like: hooded sweatshirts and flip flops. Honestly, I suffer from such a severe case of FOLLEB that I would rather people at work think that I'm homeless or an unwed 21 year-old mother or something.

Ed Masry: In a law firm you may want to re-think your wardrobe a little.

Erin Brockovich: Well Ed, I think I look nice. And as long as I have one ass instead of two I'll wear what I like if that's all right with you?

This is not how I feel.

Greetings From Divorce Court!

So today during my internship at divorce court, I watched two people argue for half an hour about who would pay for their child's orthodontia. As I watched these two unfortunate middle aged divorcees go at it I felt an array of emotions:

First, and foremost, I felt disgust. No, not for the couple who cannot figure out who will pay for their kid's braces without the help of the legal system, but I felt disgust thinking back on the days when I had braces. Seriously heinous.

Secondly I felt anger. Once again, not towards the two parents arguing about teeth, but towards myself for ever applying for this job.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I felt regret. A child of divorce, I wondered to myself if my parents ever did this about MY orthodontics. If so, I now sincerely regret all of those beer bottles that I opened with my teeth. Also, the fact that I never wore my retainer.

New Year, New Heading!

So, the title of this blog is both untrue and not a saying. But, for some reason it seemed appropriate which is weird because it is in fact inappropriate. Luckily, life is full of contradictions, like uncles who are not uncles, and condiments that are not condiments, and Murts who are sober. Speaking of Murt and contradictions, I discovered today that my phone autocorrects “Murt” to “multicultural.” It was almost too ironic to bear.

Things I love today:
1. Murt
2. Multiculturalism
3. Blogging
4. Meghan McCain

Things I loathe today:

1. Venus of Willendorf (always and forever)
2. Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints
3. Blogging
4. Other Republicans

Things that I love so much that I feel redundant listing them:
OCTAVIA SPENCER!!!

Meow,
L-Chien.

(En Français in honor of Murt. “Meow” in honor of Tortie.)

What do all of these people have in common?

Post what you think the answer is and I will tell you what I think in my next blog.
It's time to hear from YOU blog fans!

Emergence of "OTPHJ" into Popular Lexicon

OK, so, if you don't know what OTPHJ means please don't ask me because it will make me uncomfortable to answer you. Ask ten people you know and if none of them can tell you, get new friends immediately. Gene would be a good place to start. He DEFINETLY knows what it means and he could always use more friends. Saying OTPHJ always makes you cool, but my new favorite way to use it is as an exclamation.
EXAMPLE:
CUJ: When are you going to put up a new Blog??? I AM DYING WITHOUT IT!!!!
Me: OTPHJ!! Cool your jets, Justard! I am working on one right now.

Thanks for Nothing.

Yeah, so, the title pretty much says it. Thanks for nothing, guys. Thanks for bitching and BITCHING at me to post a new god damn blog and then not even saying anything about it. You guys are Le Worst. Blog officially on hiatus until I get some gd thanks.
I hate you,
L-Dog's Corner

Loosen up Phyllis

So, my very unconsiderate best friend ever CLAIRE decided to mock our fellow classmate's "modeling photos facebook album". Boy, did the "model" let's call her... "Phyllis" get steamed. Which is weird because Claire routinely changes her photos between different beauty shots of Crazy Uncle Justard and he doesn't get mad at all. And Crazy Uncle Justard actually does model at this Korean club in the city...I digress... ANYWAY the whole thing culminated in one of the most hilarious facebook posts of all time! Congrats Phyllis! You are HILARIOUS...even if you don't know it and think people only like you for your beauty. So i bet you all want to read the post now so here goes...

"Look, I've just heard about your college troubles; so sorry, terribly presumptuous of me to assume that you could have understood the subtle sarcasm of my previous missive. If I had only known!

Stemming of those pictures you and your friends decided to mock, I today received an offer to model for three days in Milan. It only brings in $15,000, but pretty good for a sumer job! Thought you would appreciate the information; you've obviously spent some time with these pictures, becoming oddly attached I might add!

It's all such a non-sequitur. I didn't think we had ever had an issue with each other, although confidentially something about your face has oddly offended me. Besides that, I wonder why someone who has so many unflattering pictures of herself online would choose to poke fun at someone else. Guess you figured I wouldn't retaliate? Thats true Claire. I obviously have class, and you don't.

A profile picture can't change that love."



HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I LOVE IT! LOVE LOVE LOVE. If i had a things I love love love list it would be comprised of this post and...um....I actually don't love anything else. I would also like to add that nonsequitur is NOT a hyphenate. But that's really niether here nor there. Oh wait, I do have something else I love love love: OCTAVIA SPENCER! She is the most underated actress of our time.

Books I am going to write

Ok so, my blog is such a success, I've decided to work on a few new books to publish.

1. "Hold the Mayo, PLEASE!": A Complete Guide to Polite Boning
2. Political Affairs: My Slampiece, The Clintard
3. Shawn Johnson Poetry Anthology, with Introduction by R.Kelly
4. Spencer Johnson Poetry Anthology, with Introduction by Blojo
5. My Love Affair with Justard
6. Happy People are Unnatural and Freakish
7. GENE: A Introspective Look into the Male Bulimia Phenomenon
8. Blonde and Back Again: A Korean American's Quest to Assimilate

those are just a few that i'm working on now. Some will be turned into Lifetime Original Movies that will all feature a major role for the renowned actress Octavia Spencer.

Crazy Uncle Justard

Boy do I love my Crazy Uncle Justard. OK, I bet you're wondering how Justard is my Crazy Uncle since he is both younger than me and a different spiecies...Whoops I mean race. The truth is, in all biological AND logical senses CUJ is not actually my Uncle!
: ( This is something that I have to cope with every day. The name Crazy Uncle Justard is derived from the time I was on the cape with some friends of mine. Gene and Olaf, needless to say, were not in attendance. Basically what happened was that we dared CUJ to ask to MTV VJ-like waiter at a diner for the "justard" instead of the "mustard". Obviously he did because Crazy Uncle Justard will do almost anything FOR FREE (with the exception of a very small number of things for which he charges a fee of ten dollars). Boy did i think it was hilarious when CUJ asked for the justard instead of the mustard. Unfortunately the whole incident ended rather anticlimaticaly when the MTV host/waiter did not notice at all and just brought CUJ the mustard. And the crazy Uncle part came in later because it just makes sense. I would say that if justard were actually a condiment it would probably be a mixture of mustard and soy sauce.
I invite all of my faithful blog readers to think about what condiment they would be and why.

Cornelia and "Gene"

So, one of my best friends in the whole world Cornelia made the BEST BLOG EVER! Boy am I jealous. It's not really fair because she has such great things to write about (like the time she was writing her blog and there was a lightning storm and she was afraid she was going to get electrocuted). How great is that? A BLOG POST ABOUT WRITING YOUR BLOG!!!!! Obviously I can't compete so I just want everyone to know that I'm not trying to.

Ok, now that's out of the way I can get down to some serious blog material, blogterial, if you will. Ok, first I would like to apologize publicly to everyone that I saw on saturday night, I know all my new friends at Grendel's will be reading this so I know that all will be forgiven. Secondly someone broke the glass door to my apartment building and I happen to know who it was...let's call him "Gene". Gene is the worst. Just yesterday Gene sent me two text messages reading: "I hate you" and "Die" and this was after I did NOT tell on him for breaking the door. It's like I give and give to Gene and he just slaps me in the face. Atleast he didn't ACTUALLY slap me in the face like his highschool girlfriend did to him. Boy was that hilarious. I could just laugh all day about the time that Gene got slapped in the face. Speaking of physical abuse, I actually do have a male friend, let's call him "Olaf" who kicked me in the face. ON PURPOSE. Just because I wrote "Mr. Mev" on his leg while he was sleeping. Olaf is NOT nice. In fact, if Gene wasn't the worst I would say that Olaf was the worst.