Loosen up Phyllis

So, my very unconsiderate best friend ever CLAIRE decided to mock our fellow classmate's "modeling photos facebook album". Boy, did the "model" let's call her... "Phyllis" get steamed. Which is weird because Claire routinely changes her photos between different beauty shots of Crazy Uncle Justard and he doesn't get mad at all. And Crazy Uncle Justard actually does model at this Korean club in the city...I digress... ANYWAY the whole thing culminated in one of the most hilarious facebook posts of all time! Congrats Phyllis! You are HILARIOUS...even if you don't know it and think people only like you for your beauty. So i bet you all want to read the post now so here goes...

"Look, I've just heard about your college troubles; so sorry, terribly presumptuous of me to assume that you could have understood the subtle sarcasm of my previous missive. If I had only known!

Stemming of those pictures you and your friends decided to mock, I today received an offer to model for three days in Milan. It only brings in $15,000, but pretty good for a sumer job! Thought you would appreciate the information; you've obviously spent some time with these pictures, becoming oddly attached I might add!

It's all such a non-sequitur. I didn't think we had ever had an issue with each other, although confidentially something about your face has oddly offended me. Besides that, I wonder why someone who has so many unflattering pictures of herself online would choose to poke fun at someone else. Guess you figured I wouldn't retaliate? Thats true Claire. I obviously have class, and you don't.

A profile picture can't change that love."



HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I LOVE IT! LOVE LOVE LOVE. If i had a things I love love love list it would be comprised of this post and...um....I actually don't love anything else. I would also like to add that nonsequitur is NOT a hyphenate. But that's really niether here nor there. Oh wait, I do have something else I love love love: OCTAVIA SPENCER! She is the most underated actress of our time.

Books I am going to write

Ok so, my blog is such a success, I've decided to work on a few new books to publish.

1. "Hold the Mayo, PLEASE!": A Complete Guide to Polite Boning
2. Political Affairs: My Slampiece, The Clintard
3. Shawn Johnson Poetry Anthology, with Introduction by R.Kelly
4. Spencer Johnson Poetry Anthology, with Introduction by Blojo
5. My Love Affair with Justard
6. Happy People are Unnatural and Freakish
7. GENE: A Introspective Look into the Male Bulimia Phenomenon
8. Blonde and Back Again: A Korean American's Quest to Assimilate

those are just a few that i'm working on now. Some will be turned into Lifetime Original Movies that will all feature a major role for the renowned actress Octavia Spencer.

Crazy Uncle Justard

Boy do I love my Crazy Uncle Justard. OK, I bet you're wondering how Justard is my Crazy Uncle since he is both younger than me and a different spiecies...Whoops I mean race. The truth is, in all biological AND logical senses CUJ is not actually my Uncle!
: ( This is something that I have to cope with every day. The name Crazy Uncle Justard is derived from the time I was on the cape with some friends of mine. Gene and Olaf, needless to say, were not in attendance. Basically what happened was that we dared CUJ to ask to MTV VJ-like waiter at a diner for the "justard" instead of the "mustard". Obviously he did because Crazy Uncle Justard will do almost anything FOR FREE (with the exception of a very small number of things for which he charges a fee of ten dollars). Boy did i think it was hilarious when CUJ asked for the justard instead of the mustard. Unfortunately the whole incident ended rather anticlimaticaly when the MTV host/waiter did not notice at all and just brought CUJ the mustard. And the crazy Uncle part came in later because it just makes sense. I would say that if justard were actually a condiment it would probably be a mixture of mustard and soy sauce.
I invite all of my faithful blog readers to think about what condiment they would be and why.

Cornelia and "Gene"

So, one of my best friends in the whole world Cornelia made the BEST BLOG EVER! Boy am I jealous. It's not really fair because she has such great things to write about (like the time she was writing her blog and there was a lightning storm and she was afraid she was going to get electrocuted). How great is that? A BLOG POST ABOUT WRITING YOUR BLOG!!!!! Obviously I can't compete so I just want everyone to know that I'm not trying to.

Ok, now that's out of the way I can get down to some serious blog material, blogterial, if you will. Ok, first I would like to apologize publicly to everyone that I saw on saturday night, I know all my new friends at Grendel's will be reading this so I know that all will be forgiven. Secondly someone broke the glass door to my apartment building and I happen to know who it was...let's call him "Gene". Gene is the worst. Just yesterday Gene sent me two text messages reading: "I hate you" and "Die" and this was after I did NOT tell on him for breaking the door. It's like I give and give to Gene and he just slaps me in the face. Atleast he didn't ACTUALLY slap me in the face like his highschool girlfriend did to him. Boy was that hilarious. I could just laugh all day about the time that Gene got slapped in the face. Speaking of physical abuse, I actually do have a male friend, let's call him "Olaf" who kicked me in the face. ON PURPOSE. Just because I wrote "Mr. Mev" on his leg while he was sleeping. Olaf is NOT nice. In fact, if Gene wasn't the worst I would say that Olaf was the worst.