FOLLEB

So, this morning as I was getting dressed for work I realized that it takes me an absurdly long time to pick out what I'm going to wear each day for my super exclusive internship at divorce court. Usually I do not have this problem. Getting dressed for school takes me about one third of the time. I realized today that this is because I suffer from intense FOLLEB. That's right, I have an extreme Fear Of Looking Like Erin Brockovich. On average I change about 3 outfits each morning that I feel make me look like Erin Brockovich. I always feel like my oxfords are too skanky and my skirts are too short and that I'm just inviting the comparison. As I result I often show up to work in things like: hooded sweatshirts and flip flops. Honestly, I suffer from such a severe case of FOLLEB that I would rather people at work think that I'm homeless or an unwed 21 year-old mother or something.

Ed Masry: In a law firm you may want to re-think your wardrobe a little.

Erin Brockovich: Well Ed, I think I look nice. And as long as I have one ass instead of two I'll wear what I like if that's all right with you?

This is not how I feel.

Greetings From Divorce Court!

So today during my internship at divorce court, I watched two people argue for half an hour about who would pay for their child's orthodontia. As I watched these two unfortunate middle aged divorcees go at it I felt an array of emotions:

First, and foremost, I felt disgust. No, not for the couple who cannot figure out who will pay for their kid's braces without the help of the legal system, but I felt disgust thinking back on the days when I had braces. Seriously heinous.

Secondly I felt anger. Once again, not towards the two parents arguing about teeth, but towards myself for ever applying for this job.

Thirdly, and most importantly, I felt regret. A child of divorce, I wondered to myself if my parents ever did this about MY orthodontics. If so, I now sincerely regret all of those beer bottles that I opened with my teeth. Also, the fact that I never wore my retainer.

New Year, New Heading!

So, the title of this blog is both untrue and not a saying. But, for some reason it seemed appropriate which is weird because it is in fact inappropriate. Luckily, life is full of contradictions, like uncles who are not uncles, and condiments that are not condiments, and Murts who are sober. Speaking of Murt and contradictions, I discovered today that my phone autocorrects “Murt” to “multicultural.” It was almost too ironic to bear.

Things I love today:
1. Murt
2. Multiculturalism
3. Blogging
4. Meghan McCain

Things I loathe today:

1. Venus of Willendorf (always and forever)
2. Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints
3. Blogging
4. Other Republicans

Things that I love so much that I feel redundant listing them:
OCTAVIA SPENCER!!!

Meow,
L-Chien.

(En Français in honor of Murt. “Meow” in honor of Tortie.)

What do all of these people have in common?

Post what you think the answer is and I will tell you what I think in my next blog.
It's time to hear from YOU blog fans!

Emergence of "OTPHJ" into Popular Lexicon

OK, so, if you don't know what OTPHJ means please don't ask me because it will make me uncomfortable to answer you. Ask ten people you know and if none of them can tell you, get new friends immediately. Gene would be a good place to start. He DEFINETLY knows what it means and he could always use more friends. Saying OTPHJ always makes you cool, but my new favorite way to use it is as an exclamation.
EXAMPLE:
CUJ: When are you going to put up a new Blog??? I AM DYING WITHOUT IT!!!!
Me: OTPHJ!! Cool your jets, Justard! I am working on one right now.

Thanks for Nothing.

Yeah, so, the title pretty much says it. Thanks for nothing, guys. Thanks for bitching and BITCHING at me to post a new god damn blog and then not even saying anything about it. You guys are Le Worst. Blog officially on hiatus until I get some gd thanks.
I hate you,
L-Dog's Corner